


you're in my head, you're in my heart

by emilia_kaisa



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Kissing, Light Angst, M/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Not Beta Read, Warm and Fuzzy Feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-26
Updated: 2020-02-26
Packaged: 2021-02-27 20:27:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,753
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22911712
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emilia_kaisa/pseuds/emilia_kaisa
Summary: "It's not pity." Yuzuru says quietly, pressing his palm to Javi's cheek, thumb brushing the corner of his mouth "It's care."
Relationships: Javier Fernández/Yuzuru Hanyu
Comments: 16
Kudos: 97





	you're in my head, you're in my heart

**Author's Note:**

> Set during world championships in 2014.

It's so intense that Yuzuru isn't sure how he manages to keep on breathing, sometimes. First it's because of the anticipation, of nerves, of the overwhelming, suffocating feeling of hope and determination crashing him from inside, squeezing his lungs and ribs, making his throat clench and heart stutter painfully.

And then, he wins that desired gold, but he still doesn't have a chance to stop, to rest, thrown into the middle of a chaos, with everyone trying to get his attention, a smile, a picture, a comment, and before he knows it he's walking into the rink in Saitama, with a million eyes on him and something to prove to the entire world.

And in the middle of all of that, he misses it. There is too much he has to deal with, and he has no time for anything more than a brief smile, a nod of encouragement, a wave when he feels some camera on him.

He doesn't see it, beacuse he can't see it, too focused, too desperate to prove that no, Sochi wasn't a fluke, and he deserves it, now, he is the best in the world.

And then Javi comes up to hug him, and Yuzuru almost freezes, and only still high adrenaline and awareness of where they are don't let him do something stupid.

He knows that the last weeks have been harsh for his teammate, but they didn't really talk about it, because first, Yuzuru didn't have time, and second and most important, it's not something they do. They don't talk about feelings, they don't talk about dreams, they only laugh and smile at each other and talk about weather and awful plane food.

But now, still riding his high in the flickering lights of the arena, he finally notices.

He sees deep shadows under Javi's eyes, how pale he looks, and even though his smile is warm and honest, it's also so tired Yuzuru almost gasps, shocked that he has failed to see it earlier.

But he collects himself in a blink of an eye, that's what he's great at, and he smiles and poses, and barely has time to shower before he is thrown into the middle of a press conference and interviews, more interviews, his brain overload and body heavy, and then he is falling asleep in the backseat of a cab, with Brian by his side and someone from his federation in a front seat, and Yuzuru feels so tired, he has never been more gratefeul for a season ending.

Falling into a shallow slumber, Yuzuru's thoughts go to Javi again, how for a moment he seemed to be like always, joking during the small medal ceremony, having fun. But his smile didn't really reach his eyes, and after all of that he excused himself quickly, and Yuzuru was thrown into the tornado of questions and photos.

"Everything okay?" Brian asks and Yuzuru's eyes fly open as he nods, feeling a little bit groggy.

"Mhh, yes."

"Good, good. You did such an amazing job, Yuzu, I'm so proud of you."

"Thank you." Yuzuru mumbles, and he keeps his eyes open as he leand his head against the window, suddenly not feeling as sleepy as before "Brian?-"

"Yes?"

"Is Javi..." Yuzuru trails off, not sure what he wants to say, but he can hear Brian tensing for a second befpre letting a quiet sigh and leaning against the headrest.

"I know he's not his... usual self." he says slowly "But he will be okay, and I'm sure he won't leav-"

Brian clamps his mouth just in time, but Yuzuru flinches anyway, suddenly very awake.

"What?" he asks, and Brians stirrs next to him uncomfortably before suddenly deflating, as if he is concerned about it too, and Yuzuru feels his skin crawling, and something cold forming in his stomach, a brick of ice "What you mean?"

"Nothing." Brian sighs, shaking his head, and Yuzuru notices how tired he looks, probably mentally exhausted with that season as much as the skaters. Yuzuru knows he shouldn't push him, but the feeling of dread that is clutching his insides urges him not to let go.

"Brian." he says slowly, shifting a little so he can look at his coach "Do you think that Javi... that he wants to retire?"

"I don't know, Yuzu." Brian says, turning away a little, as if he doesn't want Yuzuru to see his face for some reason "He had a rough few months."

Yuzuru nods slowly, and doesn't say anything more, and looks outside the window, at the neon lights moving behind the glass, at people going around dressed in big coats and wrapped in flufft scarfs, and for some reason that sight makes Yuzuru feel terribly alone.

"Don't worry, okay? Now it's time to celebrate, and relax. You deserve it."

"Yes." Yuzuru mutters absently and then doesn't say a word until they step into the hotel and say their goodnights.

The lady from JSF reminds him that his duties next day start at 10am and he nods at her silently when she leaves the elevator on her floor while he goes three floors up. The door open and he is about to step out and go to his room, but he freezes mid movement, and instead of walking, he presses two another buttons and the door close with a cheerful ding, as if approving his decision.

* * *

"Hi." Yuzuru says, feeling ridiculously nervous "Can I, uh- how are you?"

Javi blinks slowly, confusion blossoming on his face, because it's not really that much of an usual thing, for them to pay each other a visit.

"I'm good." Javi says carefully, as if he's sucpecting it's some kind of a trick "You, hmm, you want to come in?" he asks, and it seems that he does that only because he has no idea what else to say.

Yuzuru smiles and nods, and it's only a bit awkward, stepping past Javi and into his space, the room a bit cluttered but not as much of a dumpster Yuzuru was vaguely expecting.

"Do you want something to drink? It's nice that you came." Javi says, as if remembering about host duties "Crazy day, huh?" he babbles, making his way to the mini fridge "I still have some orange juice if you-"

"I'm not here to steal your drinks." Yuzuru says, cringing a little at how dumb it sounds, and Javi turns around to look at him, a bit baffled.

"Okay." he says slowly "Then why?"

Yuzuru opens his mouth, but he realizes he doesn't know what to say, or else, he doesn't know if it's okay to ask, are you going to retire, Javi, are you happy from your medal, do you want to leave-

Javi seems to misinterpret Yuzuru's silence, because his expression softens, flickering with something gentle.

"Oh, come here." he says, stepping forward, and a moment later he wraps his arms around Yuzuru, pulling him against his chest "There we go." he murmurs warmly, rubbing Yuzuru's back.

Yuzuru hasn't been exactly planning on that, but it's so nice, it's always so nice to be hugged by Javi, so Yuzuru closes his eyes and rests his head on Javi's shoulder, inhaling some warm, tingling scent of plain soap and mint shampoo.

"You have a lot on your head, huh?" Javi asks quietly, his warm breath tickling Yuzuru's temple "But you did great, and I'm so proud of you."

It's nice, so nice, to be in Javi's arms, listening to his kind praise, but it's not the reason Yuzuru is here, so he makes a terrible effort of drawing back a little so he can get a proper look at Javi's face, his dark, tired eyes, hair not as short as during the Olympics, but still making him look so young.

"Javi." Yuzuru starts, vaguely aware that Javi's hand is resting on his hip "Are you okay?"

"Ye- yeah." Javi answers, looking a bit surprised "Good. A bit tired? I swear I'm still jet-lagged, and- oh" he yelps when Yuzuru turns off his thinking for a heartbeat and presses his fingers to Javi's lips.

He knows what Javi is going to say, brush everything away and play happy, something Yuzuru got used to during two years of training together, and he rarely pressed, but now, standing so close, feeling Javi's hot breath against his fingers- there is some painful tug in his heart, compelling him to get even closer.

And will there ever be a better moment than now, the next Olympics four long years ahead and so much weight off of their shoulders?

"Uhh." Javi mumbles and Yuzuru realizes that it might be a little awkward, so he lets his hand drop as he sends Javi a sheepish smile.

"Just wanted to check on you." he says, remembering that phrase from Brian, and Javi smiles at him tiredly.

"That's kind of you." he says gently "Thank you."

"You always check on me." Yuzuru says, recalling all the times Javi was there to pick him up or ask if everything was fine.

"Well, that's what we do." Javi smiles, the most sincere smile Yuzuru has seen on him the whole day "And I'd love to talk, but can we, uh-" he waves towards the bed awkwardly "I'm barely on my feet." he breathes out, as if wanted to turn it into a joke, but Yuzuru can see that there is a lot of truth in this statement, and he smiles too, taking a step back.

"Yes, go. We can, hm, talk tomorrow?" he offers, suddenly realizing that he doesn't know anything still, Brian's words from earlier echoing in his head "I-"

"No, no, stay, let's just rearrange this... situation-" Javi chuckles and after a moment Yuzuru finds himself in a position he hasn't been expecting- lying on his side on Javi's bed, looking at each other, and honestly it should be more awkward than it is. But it is not awkward at all, because Javi's bed is comfortable, the sheets are soft and smelling fresh, and the night lamp is giving just enough light to see Javi's face. It brings memories of the first months training together, when they were places in the same room a few times, and Yuzuru recalls short conversations and laughter in the dark, until it all drowned in the dark swirl of preparations and growing pressure. 

"So, what did you want to talk about?" Javi asks "Something happened?"

"It's..." Yuzuru swallows hard before taking a deep breath and making a decision "What happens now?"

"Huh?"

"Do you want to retire?" Yuzuru blurts out and Javi inhales sharply, as if the question caused him physical pain, and Yuzuru immediately regrets asking, but he can't stop himself from searching Javi's face anxiously, looking for a clue.

"I want a lot of things, Yuzu." Javi says finally, his voice a quiet murmur, eyes shining with melancholy and regret "And I don't know how to get them. Maybe I never will. I don't- I don't know-" his voice hitches and he clears his throat, and Yuzuru feels like his chest is going to crack open, something like panic coiling inside him, because how is supposed to do that, train without Javi, how is he supposed to go to the rink everyday knowing that he won't be there?

It's wrong and it's ridiculous, an unbelievable idea that Yuzuru wouldn't believe in, but now he's looking at Javi and sees a tired, broken- hearted boy who's kept awake at nights by his fears and regrets.

"Maybe I should just go home." Javi whispers, more to himself, but something snaps inside of Yuzuru's as if a string breaks, causing sharp pain and then, something hot and suffocating coiling inside him, and with that, the switch responsible for thinking going off.

He moves forward and presses his lips to Javi’s, a small, chaste peck before he draws back, feeling his cheeks flaming as he looks at Javi’s face anxiously.

“I don’t want pity.” Javi whispers, a shadow of pain running through his eyes, and Yuzuru’s heart stutters, because he gets it, but he's not like these people sending Javi these peculiar glances for the past few weeks.

"It's not pity." Yuzuru says quietly, pressing his palm to Javi's cheek, thumb brushing the corner of his mouth "It's care."

Javi gasps softly, eyes widening just a little bit. He looks like he wants to say something, but in the end he only swallows hard, fingers wrapping around Yuzuru's wrist, keeping his palm close.

It feels so unbearably intimate Yuzuru's heart is thudding and he tears his eyes away from Javi's only to look at his mouth, and he feels his own lips burning. He wants to kiss Javi again, and for real, but he won't do that until Javi kisses him first- and that's what he does a few heartbeats later, noses brushing as their lips meet again. It's slow and timid, little shallow kisses that fill Yuzuru's stomach with a herd of butterflies.

Javi murmurs quietly into the kiss, his fingers travelling up Yuzuru's arm, tracing his shoulder and neck, until curling against Yuzuru's jaw securely.

It's warm and safe, and it's coming so naturally, like the gentlest of waves washing over a sandy shore, always destined to meet. It's kind of unbelievable, that Yuzuru has never really thought about it before, and now Yuzuru can't imagine not doing that again, because it feels too good, and Yuzuru feels so good, curled in Javi's bed and trading soft kisses, without unnecessary words and overthinking.

It's unlike any of the previous kisses, awkward pecks behind high school building or adrenaline- fueled fumbling in the backstage of some arena. It's the first kiss that makes Yuzuru crave for more and more, even though he can't really understand it, when it's coming from, that hunger, that tingling under his skin.

It feels like the whole eternity, until Javi pulls back with a sigh, his eyelashes fluttering as he blinks sleepily, a soft smile forming on his lips as he caresses Yuzuru's cheek with the back of his hand. He leans in, leaving a sloppy kiss in the corner of Yuzuru's mouth, then one more close to his ear, making Yuzuru giggle quietly.

"You can stay, if you want." Javi mutters when he pulls back, eyes closing and fingers moving to draw little circles on Yuzuru's nape "I might kick a little."

He is asleep in a second, and before Yuzuru can even start contemplating what happened, he falls asleep too.

* * *

Yuzuru wakes up first, and for some reason, he doesn't panic at all.

Memories of the day before are coming back to him and make him feel warm and instead of trying to sneak out quietly, he gently reaches to touch Javi's face, gently brushing over shadows under his eyes.

He wonders what it is, that warm, unexpected feeling that seems to be filling every cell of his body.

Yuzuru smiles, and then stills when he hears quiet buzzing somewhere behind him. After a moment of quiet fumbling he finds his phone in a pocket of his jacket and scrunches his nose when he sees that it's his alarm, meaning it's 9am and he has an hour to get ready for yet another day filled with meetings he's not really in a mood for. 

"You need to go?" 

Yuzuru looks away from his phone and sees that Javi is awake and blinking sleepily, and something flicks in Yuzuru, and he bites his lip, a little anxious. 

"Could I… stay?" 

Javi blinks again, and smiles, reaching to poke Yuzuru's nose. 

"Well, that would be convenient. We have things to talk about, I think. But first, I'm going back to sleep." he announces and, just like that, he closes his eyes again, letting out a content sigh. 

Yuzuru swallows hard, feeling his heartbeat picking up and he glances at his phone for a second before typing a quick message and then turns it off. He looks at Javi, whose eyes are still closed, but his smile is wider, as if he could tell what Yuzuru is doing. He doesn't say a word, just opens his arms, and Yuzuru doesn't waste a second. 

"Hey Javi?" Yuzuru mumbles a few minutes later, eyelids heavy and lips pressed against warm skin of Javi's neck. 

"Hmmm?" 

"I will tell you later." Yuzuru decides and Javi chuckles, warm and sleepy and not pretended. 

"Good I'm not going anywhere." 

Yuzuru curls his fingers on Javi's shirt, and smiles. 

**Author's Note:**

> It was supposed to be more angsty because I have strong feelings towards worlds 2014 haha things didn't exactly go as planned but maybe soon some new work appear :p  
> Thank you for reading, hope you enjoyed!


End file.
